Vent, mama

I'm using this blog to purge. My main blog is too well-travelled and this seems a more private unnoticed blog. Plus, this post is exercise-related. I got out and ran yesterday afternoon! It was the most beautiful day, sunny, clear, no ice. Thankfully I ran yesterday because today we had freezing rain followed by snow. Grey, wet, chilly, slick, treacherous.

On yesterday's run I resolved to end these next two weeks more fit than I started them. Seemed so easy, so possible, as I ran my favourite 12km route, blissfully pushing the pace, appreciating the dry ground underfoot and the fact that my leg wasn't too twitchy, as I call it. I ran the route in 62 minutes, which is slightly off my summer pace, but not too far off. I do have this nagging injury that undeniably slows me down, but it was feeling better yesterday. Everything felt better when I was running. Which is why I came home and immediately emailed my friend Nath and said, "Let's go swimming tomorrow morning!" Then I went and made supper for eleven and cleaned up and hosted and etc. and before I knew it, it was 11:30 and I hadn't checked up on my email. Which is weird for me, as anyone who knows me knows.

So I checked my email. And discovered that Nath had sent two messages, the last just before she went to bed at a reasonable hour, saying she'd see me at our usual time the next morning. Thing is, I was checking email to say, um, maybe no swimming after all. Too tired! She got my on-second-thought message at 5:18am. I was sleeping restlessly in my new office. No swimming for me. Lesson being: don't commit to something immediately after a joyous run? Or: don't commit to something while hosting relatives over the holidays?

I've now got a sick kid (again ...) and another celebratory supper to prepare, and there will be no exercising today. But I'm supposed to get up tomorrow to run with Nina. This is so set in stone that it would be really weird to skip it. I will set an alarm. I will drag myself through the snow. I will pray for a nap tomorrow.

The *&^*ing holidays

Good grief. Today is the first day of the kids' two week holiday from school, but it feels like we've been in holiday mode for a week already. I haven't done anything, exercise-wise, for the longest stretch in probably over a year--I ran early Wednesday morning with Nina and haven't done anything since. Except prepare food and eat food and host and clean and stay up late every single night. I haven't been to bed earlier than 1am since last Wednesday. It's been fun, don't get me wrong, but I'm feeling done with fun and ready to get back to normal--but the kids are on their holiday!!!!!

Also we have family arriving in a matter of an hour or so, and I really should be cleaning/baking/washing dishes/making beds/etc. rather than blogging.

You can call this Swim Mama, Bike Mama, Vent Mama.

I'm a routine kind of gal. Take me out of my routine for a few days and I start to fall to pieces. No early mornings, no running, no yoga, no writing time, no blogging time, no alone time. I'll be certifiable a week from today. But that's okay because THE KIDS WILL STILL HAVE ANOTHER WEEK OFF SCHOOL. What happens--and this is pretty predictable--is that I will start slamming doors and threatening to get a full-time job just so I can get the hell out of the house. How did I ever make it as a full-time stay-at-home mom???? Seriously. I can't believe I ever did it.

Well anyway. I hear the vaccuum working overtime upstairs and I need to go help my husband make some beds.

With any luck, I will find time--no, MAKE time--in these two weeks ahead for running or yoga or swimming and that will save me. (That sounds over-dramatic--I mean, that will keep me pleasant and calm and happy). Because that's all I want for my kids' holiday: to be pleasant and calm and happy so they can enjoy a fun holiday too. So we all can.

(But it doesn't feel like a holdiay to me. I'm going to try to imagine what a holiday would look like, to me. Nothing comes immediately to mind. Would I even like a holiday? Yes, I think I would, if I could just figure out what it would be, how I could relax and rest and feel rejuvenated and refreshed without simultaneously feeling guilty and over-indulgent and worrying that I'm not getting anything done. I'm a fun person. Share your ideal holidays with me, please. I'd love to live vicariously.)

Tiny bit of pride

This morning, I am taking a tiny bit of pride in my week in work-outs. It's been a tough week personally, with a child home sick every day (pneumonia!) and all of the worries that go with that, and there has been no opportunity for evening exercise whatsoever. But I've gotten up early to exercise four out of five mornings, and for that I'm grateful. Grateful that I set my alarm. Grateful to have had that time.

I ran on Sunday evening (11.4km).
Swam Monday morning (2500m).
Spin class Tuesday morning (jelly legs).
Run with my friend Nina Wednesday morning (8.5km).
Yoga class this morning (hot, 60 minutes).

I did not want to get up this morning. I've been so tired. But I didn't get up yesterday morning, and it was a tough tough day, which began with an even tougher morning--I was up before 7 anyway due to other people getting up early. I find I'm grumpier when someone else gets me up early. I'm resentful. That's why setting the alarm and getting up before anyone else can wake me gives me a better start to my day. (Maybe I have control issues?). It's hard to get up early (I am not naturally a morning person). And it's hard to keep doing. But it's worth it. When I set the alarm, I have control over the opening hours of my morning. I'm refreshing my body and my brain. It starts the day in a whole different tone.

I'm hopeful that tonight I'll be running in the snow (and the dark) at my daughter's goalie practice--finally, time for an evening run!

I don't feel very strong these days. I felt pretty awful at yoga this morning ... fatigued and tight in the shoulders. And my leg is still not its robust self.

But I also feel like it's kind of okay to feel not so great, so long as I don't let it stop me. When I'm feeling down or tired I find myself craving comfort from things that are inherently not that healthy--like vegging on the couch and watching TV. I don't really feel better after watching TV. I'm not saying it's always a bad choice, because there are definitely times when we all need to zone out, but it's not the greatest choice to turn to every time, automatically, when feeling tired or down.

It's good to remember that there are other choices. And that tomorrow is another day, another opportunity to set the alarm and rise early to greet it, even if today has been hard.

Back at it: hello, Monday

Ran last night in the pouring cold rain during daughter's soccer practice. I had to go slowly. My leg wouldn't let me go fast. I hope this is temporary! I ran 11.4km in 63 minutes. That's pretty far off my regular pace. But at least I could run, and it felt good, and I didn't even mind the rain. In fact, while I was running I thought, this probably looks crazy, but there's nothing I'd rather be doing right now. I brought dry clothes to change into, and really enjoyed watching the girls scrimmage. I also tried to stretch my legs on the sidelines without looking too much like a crazy lady, which I probably already did due to the sopping hair.

And this morning I got up early for the usual Monday swim. I missed my friend Nath in the pool. She couldn't come because her husband is away and she's one her own with the kids. The water felt really cold at first. I was the very first person to disturb the water, which was pretty cool. I swam at my usual pace, but felt slower due to sharing the lane with my former lane partner, who is an Ironwoman triathlete. Yeah, she's a little faster than me. And then, unfortunately, a third swimmer came into our lane who was very slow and kept doing different strokes. And someone in the next lane over managed to kick me or bump me somehow, which never happens. It started to feel pretty messy by the end. Took all my mental fortitude not to quit early, but I hung in there for the full 2500m.

I will say, I was feeling pretty tired. I suspect Saturday night's festivities had something to do with it. So even though I felt tired and it wasn't fun being passed, I was still patting myself on the back for getting up and doing it. Which is the key, of course. Just get up and do it!

Treatment

I am feeling so lazy! But it hasn't been a bad week. I swam on Monday, went to a 90-minute hot yoga class that evening, did spin class on Tuesday. By that point, the pain in my leg wasn't terrible. It was worst at yoga class, actually, I assume because I was asking those muscles to stretch out and they weren't so into it. Lots of downward dogs. Ouch.

But during my run on Wednesday morning, which is a pretty slow run, my leg felt increasingly sluggish. It felt like I was dragging my leg along. And it hurt. So I decided to go to the osteopath. And yesterday I went. And she said I should take off 24 hours before exercising again, which means that I haven't done anything since Wed's early morning run. And I am feeling like a slug.

But that also means I could attempt a run tonight. She requested that I run slowly and keep it short. That is not how I run. But I will try. Our discussions circled around how to stay healthy and be able to keep running forever, which is my personal goal. I want to be that woman with 57 written in black marker on her calf chugging effortlessly past the woman with 37 written on hers. (This actually happened to me during a race last spring, and I was so impressed by the woman who was kicking was butt.)

Anyway. The point is longevity. And what I'm not doing -- my biggest oversight -- is stretching after a work-out. I need to take time to stretch all the major muscle groups that have been working hard, to give them a chance to relax and settle down. Otherwise: tightness, knots, ropy spots, tension, pain. I'll just come right out and say it: I never stretch. I do a quick dynamic stretch before exercising (though not with any consistency.) And afterward, I just go on with life. In fact, that's one of the reasons I've loved running--I can squeeze a hard work-out into one hour, from the moment I run out the door to the moment I'm back. Then I hop in the shower and presto, on with the tasks at hand. I wonder if even five minutes of stretching might help .... clearly, my legs are telling me to take care.

I will ask my husband the kin for some stretches. We didn't have time yesterday, as she filled the entire appt with treatment (for which I am extremely thankful.) I am also extremely thankful that a friend took my youngest for the afternoon so that I could go to the hour-long appt alone. What was I thinking? I'd been planning to take him along, had a bag of books and activities packed ... and it would have been hellish for all involved. So thank you to last-minute assistance by a friend!

I'll let you know how my next run goes.

I'm also sort of saving my energy for Saturday night when we are going to a crazy dance party. At which I hope not to injure myself.

Running Club ...

I'm not at running club on this rainy Sunday morning. I'm not there not because it's raining (I'll run in any weather), but because I've decided it's not for me, at least not right now.

I've taken two days off, which has sucked, but my leg feels a lot better. I'm going to try going for a run this evening at my daughter's soccer practice. Hopefully with a headlamp affixed to my head! (Still need to acquire headlamp.)

Here is my thinking about running club:

1. I run because it's therapeutic. I feel better about EVERYTHING after a good run, and often, during it too. I love running fast and seeing improvement and getting faster -- but that's not why I run. I run because I love running. Period.

2. I loved my run with the running club, but I have difficulty moderating my effort at the best of times. I want to run pretty much forever. I don't want to over-reach and injure myself. Listen, I wasn't on the track team in university. I'm twenty years older than the kids on the track team now -- and I'm asking myself to run with them and to keep up? The mind is willing, but the body may not be. "I could never push myself this hard all on my own," I said to the coach. And that could be a good thing; but the more I think about it, the more I think it could also be a bad thing. Maybe my body isn't meant to be pushed harder than I can push it all by myself. When I'm trying to keep up, I will push to the very limit and disregard what my body is telling me. I'm not sure that's a good idea.

3. I run when it's convenient. This changes every single week. Running is the most flexible exercise to schedule. I cherish it for being an anytime option. I need anytime options in my exercise life.

4. I don't need a club to motivate me (which is probably why lots of people like running with a group). I like running solo and being alone with my thoughts. A running club could work for that, especially one where we're running really fast. Hard to talk while panting. But there are other running clubs that allow for drop-ins and that are free. If I want to run with others on a dark evening that suits my schedule, those are options.

5. Finally, and related to all of the above, do I want to change something that's working into something different? How fast could I get? It's so tempting to find out. And yet, and yet. I think that's my ego talking. I've gotten pretty fast training all by myself -- and without injuring myself (knock on wood) -- while going for brilliant, happy, unique, memorable, saving runs in all weathers and all seasons, and I want to keep that -- the anytime, anywhere, squeeze 'em in, make 'em count runs.

I'm a little disappointed in myself as I write this. I'm disappointed because part of me wants to be a super-star runner, not just a reasonably fast middle-aged runner. The part of me that is super-competitive is frowning deeply and saying, The least you could do is try! Think how much faster you'd be if you joined this running club! But the other part, the middle-aged runner part, is saying, Listen, I got pretty fast over this past year all on my own. And I am trying! I'm trying to balance improved fitness with the rest of my life.

Truthfully, if this running club allowed me to drop in on occasion, I totally would. I loved the rush. It's the necessity of the commitment that's stopping me cold. I completely understand why the coach needs that commitment; if I were a coach, I'd demand the same thing. But it just doesn't fit with my life -- with the reality of four children and the after-school/evening routine of volleyball, theatre, swim lessons, piano, soccer, dance, homework, supper, and bedtime. I can commit to running. I can even commit to running four, five, six times a week. I just can't commit to when, from week to week.

Ow.

So .... my sciatic nerve was bothering me when I was running last night. It's been bothering me for the past week, nothing major, just twinges. But on the run home from the park it definitely seemed more pronounced. And by "it" I mean the pain.

And then it woke me up in the night.

And this morning I couldn't bend over to touch my toes (I am usually quite flexible.) I tried doing a few sun salutations to get the muscle loosened up but it just hurt. My husband the kinesiologist looked up some info and recommended some stretches. These are all familiar yoga-type stretches, easy to do. I took some ibuprofen. I am sitting on an ice pack.

Maybe I'm too damn old to be pushing myself??? The mind is willing but the body is weak??

I plan to do nothing but rest today, and stretch a bit. I could rest tomorrow too. And then try the running club on Sunday morning. I will have to ask my body what it thinks. I dreamed about the running club all night. I really want to join.