Check in

Time for my monthly check-in! If I'm even checking in that often anymore. In the absence of race goals, my training feels less purposeful. But I continue to prioritize time for exercise, mostly because it feels good and keeps me healthy, mentally as well as physically.

I haven't been doing any long runs. That's hard, and I miss doing it. My weekends are packed full with children's activities, mostly, and there simply isn't time. So I run when I can. For example, I squeezed in a twenty-one minute run on Sunday morning during my son's swim lesson. It was literally the only time available in the entire day, so I grabbed it. Thank heavens for the sunshine, or I might not have made the effort. I basically just ran around the nearby park as fast as I could. I kept to a 4:45 pace, more or less, and made it 4.5km. I wanted to keep going! But had to stop, and was actually one minute late to pick up my son. Will likely do that again, assuming there's no other time available.

I did the same thing last Tuesday evening, grabbing available time, and running during my daughter's soccer practice. It was absolutely pissing rain, cold and miserable, and I did not feel like going, but I put on my gear, packed dry clothes, and went. It turned out to be a nice run. I didn't push myself very hard, basically just enjoyed the mildly heroic feeling of being out for a run in hellish conditions. I went 8.5km in about 45 minutes. Not breaking any records, but I'm trying to remind myself it's not always about pushing to the limit. Sometimes it's just about showing up. I'd also just done a spin and weights class the day before, AND played an hour of soccer with a men's team the previous evening, which was a challenge of another sort. I was feeling pretty achy and tired.

Playing soccer with my husband's team ... the only woman ... it felt strange. I felt like I needed to prove myself worthy of being on the field, and I was very hard on myself for not getting the ball in the net, although I did have several opportunities to score thanks to good positioning. And I ran hard the whole game. But I'm not going again tonight. Partly, I just feel tired. Partly, I'll admit it's a lack of confidence. I wasn't sure the men wanted me there (although why would it matter whether they did? -- my husband manages the team and invited me to come out, and there are other guys coming out for the scrimmage that won't be on the team).

I just wasn't at ease with the dynamics.

This has been a tough week for my confidence, honestly, and it's probably more about my own headspace than about any of the messages I imagined I was receiving on the field. It's a challenge to be the odd-woman out, in any situation. It's a challenge to try new things. To be, potentially, exposed as not being all that good at something. I'm not the best soccer player. I'm fast and tough and can steal the ball, but I can't carry the ball up the field, and my shot is pretty weak. I need work. My husband points out that I need to play more to get better, and should come out with that in mind, rather than worrying about how good I am right now.

He's right.

My excuse tonight is that I'm exhausted, and don't sleep well after late-night exercise. I need rest. I need recovery. I need to restore my confidence ... but how? ... and then I'll get back on the field with the guys. Maybe next week.