Check in

Time for my monthly check-in! If I'm even checking in that often anymore. In the absence of race goals, my training feels less purposeful. But I continue to prioritize time for exercise, mostly because it feels good and keeps me healthy, mentally as well as physically.

I haven't been doing any long runs. That's hard, and I miss doing it. My weekends are packed full with children's activities, mostly, and there simply isn't time. So I run when I can. For example, I squeezed in a twenty-one minute run on Sunday morning during my son's swim lesson. It was literally the only time available in the entire day, so I grabbed it. Thank heavens for the sunshine, or I might not have made the effort. I basically just ran around the nearby park as fast as I could. I kept to a 4:45 pace, more or less, and made it 4.5km. I wanted to keep going! But had to stop, and was actually one minute late to pick up my son. Will likely do that again, assuming there's no other time available.

I did the same thing last Tuesday evening, grabbing available time, and running during my daughter's soccer practice. It was absolutely pissing rain, cold and miserable, and I did not feel like going, but I put on my gear, packed dry clothes, and went. It turned out to be a nice run. I didn't push myself very hard, basically just enjoyed the mildly heroic feeling of being out for a run in hellish conditions. I went 8.5km in about 45 minutes. Not breaking any records, but I'm trying to remind myself it's not always about pushing to the limit. Sometimes it's just about showing up. I'd also just done a spin and weights class the day before, AND played an hour of soccer with a men's team the previous evening, which was a challenge of another sort. I was feeling pretty achy and tired.

Playing soccer with my husband's team ... the only woman ... it felt strange. I felt like I needed to prove myself worthy of being on the field, and I was very hard on myself for not getting the ball in the net, although I did have several opportunities to score thanks to good positioning. And I ran hard the whole game. But I'm not going again tonight. Partly, I just feel tired. Partly, I'll admit it's a lack of confidence. I wasn't sure the men wanted me there (although why would it matter whether they did? -- my husband manages the team and invited me to come out, and there are other guys coming out for the scrimmage that won't be on the team).

I just wasn't at ease with the dynamics.

This has been a tough week for my confidence, honestly, and it's probably more about my own headspace than about any of the messages I imagined I was receiving on the field. It's a challenge to be the odd-woman out, in any situation. It's a challenge to try new things. To be, potentially, exposed as not being all that good at something. I'm not the best soccer player. I'm fast and tough and can steal the ball, but I can't carry the ball up the field, and my shot is pretty weak. I need work. My husband points out that I need to play more to get better, and should come out with that in mind, rather than worrying about how good I am right now.

He's right.

My excuse tonight is that I'm exhausted, and don't sleep well after late-night exercise. I need rest. I need recovery. I need to restore my confidence ... but how? ... and then I'll get back on the field with the guys. Maybe next week.

Running on Friday nights

I've been running on Friday nights all fall and winter. I've only missed once in all that time, and that was due to illness, not weather. I run while my two older kids are at soccer. It requires a lot of planning, because we only have one vehicle, and I think that's one of the reasons I've been so committed. The route is intensely boring. I run beside a busy road on a paved path. It's been dark almost since my first run last fall. The path is lit by streetlights, but not well. I wear a headlamp.

Every Friday I think, well the weather can't possibly get worse than this! And every Friday, it seems, it manages to trump the last time. I've run in blowing icy wind, through drifts of freshly falling snow, and in chilly rain. But yesterday's run really was the worst: I ran in the dark on ice. There were all varieties of ice available for my running pleasure: black ice, crunchy ice, long flat slicks of ice, bumpy rivers running downhill that had turned to ice. There was even a patch of not-entirely-frozen ice that I splashed right through. I made it 10.5km in exactly an hour. Slow, but I was pleased not to have injured myself, which right away became the overwhelming goal of that particular run.

I wonder what will be in store for me next Friday ...

*

In other news, I am not getting a great deal of running in. My husband is busy many weekends, and I'm alone with the kids, which does not make it possible to run long distances. In fact, my family's schedule just keeps getting busier, and I find there are few opportunities to get out on my own. Early mornings. Occasionally on the weekends. Friday nights.

I am having to cut out one of my spin classes due to cost. I'm sad about it, but have to be realistic. My plan is to get up and go to the track on that morning instead, so I can get a speed run in. I was going to cut both classes, but after spending a day feeling about as depressed as I can remember feeling in recent memory, decided to find a way to keep the one -- early morning exercise is cheaper than therapy, I figure.

So much is up in the air right now.

I asked myself last night, why do I run? Why do I keep doing this? I'm not training for a race. But I feel compelled to get out and go, no matter the ice, no matter the wind, no matter the dark. I know the answer: it makes me feel so much better. If I'm feeling good, it makes me feel great. If I'm feeling low, it brings me right back up again. It clears my head. I feel content, powerful, strong, capable, happy.

That's why I run.

One small thought

I need to guard against my all-or-nothing personality. The past two weekends we've been too busy, as a family, for me to squeeze in a long run (though I did manage to lengthen my Friday night run to 14km on the first of those weekends). This past weekend, I only could have done a long run if I'd gone after dark on Saturday night. Didn't want to. Didn't choose to.

But it occurred to me just this morning -- hey, even if I don't have time for a long run on the weekend, I could probably manage a short one. And a short run would be better than no run at all.

Sounds obvious. Probably is obvious. Did not occur to me until a few minutes ago. So that will be my goal going forward: don't not do something just because it's smaller/easier/less ambitious than the thing you'd originally planned.

*

My schedule has changed due to a class being moved from Thursdays to Mondays. So here is what my week in exercise could look like, now.

Monday: spin & kettlebells (alarm set 5:15)
Tuesday: spin (alarm set 5:15)
Wednesday: 8.5km run with friend (alarm set 5:45)
Thursday: run or yoga (alarm set 5:45) -- leaning toward yoga
Friday: night run at kids' soccer practice (10-12km)
Saturday: run (short, long, doesn't matter!)
Sunday: soccer

That would get me three runs, some spinning, some weights, a yoga class, and a soccer game! If I were really ambitious, I could get up early on Friday too and go swimming -- or swim on Thursday, yoga on Friday. Maybe ambitious is not quite the right word. If I were less tired, I could do those things. I'm usually pretty tired by Friday and excited for that extra hour of sleep. Even four mornings a week is pushing it. Let's see how this week goes.

Working toward 30km race in March

Training plan for January through March, 2013.

Dec. 31 - Jan. 6
4 regular runs plus one long(ish) run, Sat. aft, 80 mins; other: soccer game

Jan. 7 - 13
3 regular runs, one long run, Sat. aft, 90 mins; other: spin, kettlebells, soccer game

Jan. 14 - 20
3 regular runs, one long run, Sat. aft, 1 hr and 40 min; other: spin, kettlebells, soccer game

Jan. 21 - 27
3 regular runs, one long run, Sat. aft/Sun AM, 1hr and 50 mins.; other: spin, kettlebells, soccer game

Jan. 28 - Feb. 3
3 regular runs, one long run, Sat. aft, 2 hrs; other: spin, kettlebells, soccer game

Feb. 4 - Feb. 10
3 regular runs; other: spin, kettlebells, soccer game (Kevin away)

Feb. 11 - Feb. 17
3 regular runs, one long run, Sat. or Sun aft. 2 hrs and 10 mins; other: spin, kettlebells (no soccer)

Feb. 18 - Feb.  24
3 regular runs, one long run, Sat. aft. 2 hrs and 20 mins; other: spin, kettlebells, soccer

Feb. 25 - March 3
3 regular runs; other: spin, kettlebells, soccer (Kevin away)

March 4 - March 10
3 regular runs, one long run, Sat. aft, 2 hrs; other: spin, kettlebells, soccer

March 11 - 17
4 regular runs; other: spin, kettlebells, soccer

March 18 - 24
3 regular runs; other: spin, kettlebells, soccer + 30km race on Sunday (hopefully!)

*

Note: have not signed up for the race, yet. I signed up for this same race last winter, then injured myself, and could not train. I would like to get one or two longer runs under my belt before making a final decision. I haven't been doing long runs since mid-October, when my hip was a bit tweaky, and I don't want push myself harder than I should, or risk injury again, especially when I'm finding the up-to-12-km length quite manageable. So this is a hopeful training schedule! I will report back.

On the last day of 2012 ...

Okay, I clearly rarely publish on this side blog, seeing as I last posted back in October.  I have not been working toward any race goals since completing the Run for the Toad late in September. I've been lucky to get three runs every week, although I also play soccer once a week, spin once a week, and do a spin and weights class once a week, which adds up to a fair amount of regular exercise, although doesn't exactly point me in a specific goal-related direction.

That's been okay. I just set my routine and show up, basically, and it's certainly enough exercise to keep me fit and happy.

This holiday has given me fewer opportunities to get out and exercise. The classes shut down, and friends are away or busy, so last week I managed to run twice, and play soccer once. I felt incredibly sluggish on this morning's run ... and it had been three days since I'd last done anything. It reminded me of the importance of simply showing up.

It's really easy not to do things. It's so easy! And this is a holiday, and there's a sense, on holidays, of relaxing one's standards, resting, indulging, taking it easy. I'm not so sure that taking it easy sits well with me. I'm not so sure that I don't, in fact, find it more stressful to take it easy than the alternative of a regular, quite strict routine.

Have I lost the ability to have fun?

Or maybe my definition has changed.

I worry that I'm in danger of becoming a joyless puritan. And yet, I don't really enjoy the effects of a night spent drinking. I much prefer the effects of an early morning run. Those two things don't go together at all. (At least, I can't seem to put the two together!)

Anyway, rambling post here. I need my triathlon blog for the rambling posts. I enjoyed this morning's run. I kept it short -- only 7km -- and slow -- I'd forgotten how much the cold and the snow turns my pace to molasses. And yet I got out. I decided last night that I would run this morning, and I got up and ran. It's that simple, that basic. While running I thought about all kinds of subjects. I plotted future running goals: maintaining a Monday morning run (which I did sporadically this fall), and adding in a long run on Saturday afternoons (I haven't done long runs since Thanksgiving weekend, when I decided not to train for the Hamilton marathon). I thought about signing up for the Race Around the Bay at the end of March -- 30km, a nice long distance, but not quite as gruelling as a marathon. I plotted out my training plan: increasing not just distance, but time, each week between now and March. I thought about how it would be lovely to have a goal to work toward that is dependent only on my own fitness and determination (and health, of course!) ... because it could be that this proves to be a tough year, and I may face rejection and failure, there is no telling, as I apply for a couple of different exciting new directions, including midwifery school, The Amazing Race, and various writing grants.

Will I succeed, and be accepted into any of the above? I can only do my best, and hope. But acceptance is reliant on a variety of factors not under my control. Training for a race would put (almost) all of the factors under my control and give me something concrete to work toward, assuming my body could hold up to the increased training. I think I will plan for that, and sign up for the race.

Much feels up in the air about this coming year -- but that's how it always is, isn't it! As my husband says, Things aren't going to work out as you've planned ...

But so often I'm grateful that things haven't worked out as I've planned, because there is so much I can't imagine or foresee, and life is much richer than my own imagination can invent. All of that said, I remain a believer in doing. In not being passive. In setting goals, going deep, doing the work, taking risks, pushing myself on all fronts -- emotionally, physically, spiritually, professionally, personally, communally.

A small thrill

I've been on a high since my run yesterday evening. I wasn't sure how far I'd go, but figured on somewhere between 8 and 10km. My daughter has swim training a few evenings a week now, and it's out near some of my favourite trails, which makes running a pleasure. I set off feeling very light of heart and fleet of feet, for reasons unknown. At the 1km mark, I noticed that I'd run just under 5 minutes/km, which is fast for my opening kilometre -- I tend to start slow and speed up as I warm up.

I passed a group of university students training for cross country. I didn't want any of them to catch up to me, so I really hoofed it through the woods. Next thing I knew, I'd run the second kilometre in 4:33. This is unheard of for me. I never break the 4:40 mark. The third kilometre was a touch slower, in the 4:40s, but the fourth kilometre was back to 4:37, and I thought, oh my goodness, I'm on track for my fastest 5km run ever. I absolutely hoofed it for the next kilometre: 4:22. I've never seen that time before. I didn't even know that I could run that fast, honestly. Overall, I'd done 5km in 23:18, my fastest ever recorded.

But I was out in the woods, still far from the end point. I took a minute to walk and get my heart rate calmed down. I began jogging again, figuring hey, I'll just run this out, however long it takes me to get back, no need to speed. But then I saw that kilometre six was at 5:36, which is really not that slow, considering I'd walked for a full minute. I realized that my "slow" pace was actually pretty fast, it just felt slow compared to the blistering 4:20 time. So I thought, hey, let's go for a fast 10km and see what happens.

I must add that I was pushing extremely hard throughout this run. I was breathing rapidly, and it was not easy.

I kept the next three kilometres well under 5 minutes, but I was really going to have to push it to get in under 48 minutes, which was my goal -- as that's my fastest 10km time ever (and that was recorded in a race). There was a huge hill at the start of the last kilometre, but I was running past the university kids, whose workout was apparently already over. I pushed it up the hill and just kept pushing it. In fact, I was downright sprinting at the end, and I made it!!! 10km in 47:56. I realize that's not blistering for real runners, but it's blistering for me.

I came home completely thrilled.

And got up this morning and ran another 9km with my friend -- we go so slowly that we covered that 9km in 55 minutes. But we talk. There would be no talking at the other pace.

I don't know why I love finding speed. I don't know why I get such a rush from pushing myself in ways that can only be described objectively as "hard" or "unpleasant" or "painful." I'm getting the sense that running faster is not just about getting fitter physically, but about being willing to push one's body well beyond comfort levels, to keep pushing even though everything is saying "stop!" It's a mental strength as much as a physical one. I love the days when I'm mentally strong enough to push myself like that.

And I'm not doing the marathon, or the half. I have a big reading the day before, and those drain me, mentally. And I haven't put on the necessary mileage. But I'm going to keep enjoying these speed runs nevertheless, and hope to sign up for some longer races this winter.

Running. It really feeds something in me.

Run for the Toad, thoughts on the race one week later

Well, I finished 188th out of 750 finishers (men and women), and 54th out of 421 women finishers. My time was two minutes slower than last year, a very respectable 2:20:54. The numbers would suggest that I did very well, all things considered. So why, I asked my husband, did I feel after the race like I'd had a less-than-stellar run? Why was I disappointed in my efforts?

I think, sometimes, that my expectations will always be too high, and it's just part of my personality. It's inborn. Luckily, these high expectations never seem to prevent me from trying, even when I know I'm likely to fail. But I also can feel very disparaging of my own efforts when I fall short of these expectations. What I don't understand is why the disparagement isn't discouraging. Because it really isn't. Maybe it's even motivating in some strange way.

Maybe that's how my psyche works: expect great things, work hard, fail to meet expectations, work harder.

I ran a fair bit this week. I did a very fast 5km run on an indoor track after buying new shoes. (One of the unfortunate things about the Toad was that my shoes started blistering my feet about halfway through; the last half of the race I could just feel those blisters getting bigger and bigger -- and they really hurt, which didn't help my morale.) Anyway, on Tuesday I tested the new shoes on the track, to make sure they fit well, in case I wanted to return them. I was on a high after getting terrific news that day (that my book was a finalist for a major Canadian literary award), and I kept up a blistering pace, despite the hockey kids playing on the track.

I also ran Wednesday morning with a friend (9km).

The "spittlebell" class on Thursday morning felt easy ... my usual weight felt light, but I didn't want to tell the instructor lest he hand me something heavier. Maybe it was just lightness of heart.

Today, Sunday, I went for a long run, still in hopes of being fit enough to run the Hamilton marathon in a few weeks, although I'll admit my hopes are diminishing. I want to run fast, and I can tell that the pace I'd like to hold is currently out of reach. I don't think the distance, persay, is out of reach, but I'd have to hold to a slower pace, and I kind of don't want to. I'm considering signing up for the half-marathon instead, and trying to tear through that distance. (But I'd still like to do the marathon, honestly. Wish I had an extra month to train.)

I ran 18km, keeping pretty close to a 5:15/km pace, sometimes a bit less, and on one or two kilometres toward the end, a bit more. I ran 18km in 1:33. (Just checked, and that's a 5:16 pace.) I don't think I could sustain that over another 20-odd kilometres, frankly -- at least I couldn't have today -- and I'd have to average even slightly faster to break last year's time. Why do I want to break last year's time so badly?? Well. I'm not sure. I think it relates back to that expectations thing.

I won't sign up for the marathon unless I can get in a good long long run, something over 30km. For tapering purposes, I'd need to get that in next weekend. It's not impossible, but it seems unlikely. My husband is working all day Saturday, and my eldest daughter has a swim meet to which I have to travel, taking the other three kids along. AND I think I may even have a soccer game that Sunday. Good grief. I'm in Vancouver the following weekend.

Hm.

But I did a good job at the Toad! A week past the event's running, I can now feel genuinely proud at my effort and my results. It wasn't such a bad race after all.

I'm thinking of signing up yearly, as a seasonal almost ritual event, no matter what's happening in my life. I really like that race.