Running Club ...

I'm not at running club on this rainy Sunday morning. I'm not there not because it's raining (I'll run in any weather), but because I've decided it's not for me, at least not right now.

I've taken two days off, which has sucked, but my leg feels a lot better. I'm going to try going for a run this evening at my daughter's soccer practice. Hopefully with a headlamp affixed to my head! (Still need to acquire headlamp.)

Here is my thinking about running club:

1. I run because it's therapeutic. I feel better about EVERYTHING after a good run, and often, during it too. I love running fast and seeing improvement and getting faster -- but that's not why I run. I run because I love running. Period.

2. I loved my run with the running club, but I have difficulty moderating my effort at the best of times. I want to run pretty much forever. I don't want to over-reach and injure myself. Listen, I wasn't on the track team in university. I'm twenty years older than the kids on the track team now -- and I'm asking myself to run with them and to keep up? The mind is willing, but the body may not be. "I could never push myself this hard all on my own," I said to the coach. And that could be a good thing; but the more I think about it, the more I think it could also be a bad thing. Maybe my body isn't meant to be pushed harder than I can push it all by myself. When I'm trying to keep up, I will push to the very limit and disregard what my body is telling me. I'm not sure that's a good idea.

3. I run when it's convenient. This changes every single week. Running is the most flexible exercise to schedule. I cherish it for being an anytime option. I need anytime options in my exercise life.

4. I don't need a club to motivate me (which is probably why lots of people like running with a group). I like running solo and being alone with my thoughts. A running club could work for that, especially one where we're running really fast. Hard to talk while panting. But there are other running clubs that allow for drop-ins and that are free. If I want to run with others on a dark evening that suits my schedule, those are options.

5. Finally, and related to all of the above, do I want to change something that's working into something different? How fast could I get? It's so tempting to find out. And yet, and yet. I think that's my ego talking. I've gotten pretty fast training all by myself -- and without injuring myself (knock on wood) -- while going for brilliant, happy, unique, memorable, saving runs in all weathers and all seasons, and I want to keep that -- the anytime, anywhere, squeeze 'em in, make 'em count runs.

I'm a little disappointed in myself as I write this. I'm disappointed because part of me wants to be a super-star runner, not just a reasonably fast middle-aged runner. The part of me that is super-competitive is frowning deeply and saying, The least you could do is try! Think how much faster you'd be if you joined this running club! But the other part, the middle-aged runner part, is saying, Listen, I got pretty fast over this past year all on my own. And I am trying! I'm trying to balance improved fitness with the rest of my life.

Truthfully, if this running club allowed me to drop in on occasion, I totally would. I loved the rush. It's the necessity of the commitment that's stopping me cold. I completely understand why the coach needs that commitment; if I were a coach, I'd demand the same thing. But it just doesn't fit with my life -- with the reality of four children and the after-school/evening routine of volleyball, theatre, swim lessons, piano, soccer, dance, homework, supper, and bedtime. I can commit to running. I can even commit to running four, five, six times a week. I just can't commit to when, from week to week.