Low or slow, not sure which would more accurately describe my self this morning. I am tired, that's true. And I am hitting a wall of anxiety over the duathlon. I find myself getting anxious about the details, like, for example, the super-fast instant-tie shoelaces which I've yet to install on my shoes. I'm worried about feeding myself on the bicycle. What if I crash while reaching for a gummie or a gel pack? (Gummies and gel packs also seem so totally against my principles. Shouldn't I be making my own homemade versions, or eating real food instead?). Anyway, fairly ridiculous worries, and I can tell that it's just a negative headspace echoing negativity back at me, but so far this morning there's no pulling me out.
I loved the bike ride yesterday. I am still nervous going fast, fast, faster down hills, but that sensation of being sling-shot up the hill after a big downhill -- wow, that is so fun. I think it would be fun to bike for a really long time, though not in a race situation. It's the race part that is scaring me right now.
I do have other concerns related to this project itself. It seems to be consuming a good deal of my time and my life right now, and while I love seeing my body get stronger and gain endurance, I wonder what is being sacrificed? When this is over, and the triathlon is completed, should I be turning my energies to something else? And if so, what is it?? I've appreciated having this project to pour myself into. I spend a lot of my life wondering whether I'm doing the right things, whether I'm pointing myself in the right direction, whether I'll find an occupation that fits perfectly. I feel like shaking myself and saying: Pick Something! Focus! Or maybe I should be shaking myself and saying: Enjoy what you've chosen to focus on for now! Be glad that you can do it! Even if it's not forever!
I'm thankful for my writing. That seems to be the one through-vein, the one thread that sews through the rest of my somewhat scattered interests. I can't say it sews my interests together, because there's no sewing triathlons together with doula'ing, for example. But writing is always there, always with me, no matter where my mind is aimed.
I think part of me longs for a coherent life. But maybe I'd be just as content with an interesting one instead.
2 comments:
I think it is wonderful that you are trying this project. Look how much you have learned about yourself and look at what you are capable of doing! You are an amazing runner, fast cyclist (seriously, I could hardly keep up with you yesterday) and I am guessing a good swimmer too!
But I know what you mean about the time. All of these sports require a good deal of time, not to mention you also like yoga. Not to mention that your entire family is busy with other activities! Maybe once your project is done you can choose just one of the sports to focus on...
I don't think you should worry about the duathlon. It is a great stepping stone to the triathlon and you are so good at both the running and the biking. Just pretend that it is a training session and a great chance to practice the transitions. I'll be there to encourage you on (I suspect from behind you) and you will learn a lot from this experience.
Talk soon!
T
Thank you, Tricia! I'm sure I wouldn't have made it this far without your help!!
I appreciate your advice to treat the duathlon like a training session. That's a good way of thinking about it. That's what I'm going to do.
Okay, we can do it! And I'm glad you're doing it with me. :)
Post a Comment