Day 13: Post-Holiday To-Do List

We went on holiday for a week, and are home again. While on holiday I did not read books on training for a triathlon. I did not run every day; or even once. I did find a hot yoga studio in the nearest city and took class, and it was fairly brutal, a different style from the hot yoga that I practice. It felt like being with a drill sergeant: the instructor stood on a stool at the front of the class and talked non-stop, barking out orders. I was worn out by the end (90 minutes) and found myself having to use calming methods to get myself through: I had chosen to focus on the word "holiday" during the class, and I kept spelling it out over and over, slowly, imagining writing and connecting the letters in capitals and lower-case. (Letters calm me). At one point I thought to myself: this is only a fraction of how hard it will be to complete at triathlon. Not only will I be tested physically, but I won't have a drill sergeant there to force me onwards, which was genuinely helpful. Though I didn't much like the teacher, I did find it useful to hear him say, "At this point in class it's best not to think and just to follow my instructions." I may need that during a race. Can I be my own drill sergeant?

My goal for the holiday was to do one physical activity each day, which I essentially accomplished, if on a very small scale. On afternoon, I practiced swimming with the kids in the catchment basin at Jones' Falls locks, a beautiful deep stone-walled pool. What I discovered is that I can swim--my dad taught me some strokes when I was a kid--but that I dislike strongly having my face in the water. So, I can swim the backstroke quite easily, and my breast stroke is reasonable, though I suspect my whip kick is assymetrical. But as soon as I put my face in the water to do the crawl stroke, things fell apart. There were so many elements to remember, and I could manage perhaps two breaths underwater before panicking and coming up for air--it didn't help that I kept breathing in my long loose wet hair; I also couldn't turn well to the one side. I looked just like my kids look in their swim lessons, pausing to lift their heads straight out of the water and gasp for air--except that my daughter, who is 7 and a half, actually looks way better than me.

I got tips for the two older kids, who have had swim lessons since they were three and four. I was glad to realize that I know more than I thought I did (I'm not a non-swimmer, exactly), but can see that it will take a great deal more work to get me swimming at an even vaguely competitive level. I have a good friend who was a competitive swimmer as a child, so I may start by asking her for advice and help. And I may try a private lesson, too. I think I will attempt to swim once a week, laps, lane-swimming, the crawl stroke (once I've made sure I'm swimming it technically correctly), with goggles and hair tied back. On the to-do list for today: email friend, and look up adult swim lessons,and lane swim times.

We also went for a few hikes, but those were not in the least bit taxing. However, we enjoyed it so much that we would like to make it a weekend ritual--to hike sections of the Bruce Trail with our kids. One of our goals, as parents, is to seamlessly weave outdoor and physical activity into our kids' lives, and our own; however, I find as an active person that doing things at a kid's pace is not enough of a physical challenge to keep me feeling super-fit. For example, we bicycle a lot together. I do haul the two younger kids in the bike stroller, which adds resistance, but I know it's nothing compared to the training that I need to do for a triathlon.

Which leads me to this question, and confession of complete ignorance: how far will I need to swim/cycle/run on a triathlon? Also on my to-do list.

Upon returning home, I contacted a running friend, who competes, to find out whether I could still sign up for a trail race in October. I want to test out my mental strength in a race situation. I suspect that my competitiveness is going to hamper me in a race. It will be difficult to stay within my own limits if my expectations change during a race, from simply completing it (which is really as high an expectation as I should have, especially in the first race), to performing above expectation (which I really need to drop as a goal, till I've tested myself out a bit; who am I kidding??? Talk about an inflated sense of self). Unfortunately, my friend told me that the race was already full; but she suggested trying out one of the road races that go every fall (in fact, they pass right in front of our house; we watch them go by every year). There is a 10k and a 5k, and she plans to run in both. I think that will be a good beginning. Add that to the to-do list.

Cycling. I bicycle a lot, as mentioned, just not very quickly or very far. I am concerned about safety when cycling. I am not comfortable cycling on the road with cars. In car versus bike, car wins every time, and I'm not willing to risk my life on the roads. (I keep remembering the boy in my high school class who died while bicycling, age 15, hit by a truck; and about other road accidents; I don't believe, philosophically, that cars and bikes are meant to share space). Kevin has a friend who cycles competitively, so also on today's to-do list is contacting him for advice on cycling training and equipment. I may look into spin classes, or even cycling in the basement (kijiji for used exercise equipment?). And I need to visit the bicycle shop and find a map of local trails; and change my handlebars.

My goal for today is to figure out a training schedule. This must fit in with the larger family schedule. I will have to get my head around training during writing time, and not thinking of that as a waste of time. Up till now, I've used all babysitting time for writing--and that's been my habit for nine years now--so it may be difficult to change that mind-set. Is it worth it to me to pay for babysitting if I am not working on my chosen vocation during that time?

Which leads me to my final thought for the day. How can I connect this venture to my writing career? Can I write entertainingly and thoughtfullly about training for a triathlon? It feels right now that it is too much about lists of things to do, and not enough about emotions or discoveries or real information presented in an interesting fashion. I am relieved that I decided to keep this blog private, just for me. It gives me more freedom while I explore possibilities.

Last fall, I did something different: I took a university class, with the thought that I might go back to school to pursue a career in midwifery. That class did not lead me in the anticipated direction; though I enjoyed doing something different, and being in school again--a place where I naturally excel--what it showed me (and my family) was not that I wanted to pursue another degree, but that I could take time to pursue something on my own. That may not sound like a huge revelation, but for almost a decade I've been doing nothing but caring for kids, looking after our home, and writing during snatched babysitting hours; and it was a revelation. When class ended in December, I decided to continue taking one evening for myself, and chose to try hot yoga. That blossomed into several evenings (or early mornings) each week, and I discovered my body had changed in the process, and my mind, too. I remembered what it felt like to be strong--stronger perhaps than I've ever been in my life.

I want to test my limits. I want to push against them. I want to see what my body is capable of--and my mind. I am at a cross-roads in my life. Do I continue being a writer, or do I search for a different direction and career? My deadline (invented but not arbitrary) is two years from September, when my youngest child will begin school. Will I know then what I want to do? To be?

The options I am currently imagining for myself include: writer (fiction, but perhaps also non-fiction/memoir/magazine/blog); doula; midwife (four years of school); photographer (technical skills needed); musician (see previous entry); and ... ??

I will miss working with children. I feel so comfortable with them. I sense their comfort with me, a mutual trust and respect. That is something to think about, too.

Is there some way to structure a writing career around learning and doing new things, and then returning home and hacking out a book on the subject? I think I would deeply enjoy that. I have an abiding curiosity. There must be some way to harness and make use of my creative interests. I also have a strong work ethic, and an ability to see projects through; and I try very hard not to commit to anything that I can't complete.

Maybe I should put "talk to my agent" on this to-do list.