Day 35: Early Bird

I love everything about running first thing in the morning. Everything except the time on the clock: 5:40. I love the silent house, the slow feeling of waking, the cragginess, half-asleep and eating a banana. I love heading out for a run in the quiet darkness--better if it's with a friend, though. I am not comfortable running alone through the park in the dark. Good thing I have a friend to meet. With conversation, the run goes quickly--almost too quickly--and before I know it, I'm home again, my body is awake, my mind too, bursting with energy. It's not even 7 o'clock. I shower, get a load of laundry in, start breakfast prep, run upstairs to talk to my husband and wake him up, a whirl of enthusiasm and positivity. Can't help it. It's the endorphins. Now, by mid-afternoon I will be flagging and desperate for a ten minute nap. Perhaps I will even get to take one.

Today is the first day of school. The first day of the fall routine. Such a good start to this day.

This is the year that I will discover what it's like to have childcare more frequently. How will I divide my hours?

In two days, I will run in my first race since high school. Excitement gone, dread creeping in. I am dreading finding parking, figuring out where to go, trying to eat and rest the correct amount in advance of the run, using the bathroom, do I go alone or drag the family, too, can I let myself run super-slow and finish the race for sure, or will I push hard to try my best and potentially fail and have to stop to walk? We ran slowly this morning. In fact, we ran slightly less than 8k in the time I've been running close to 10k. It was so pleasant and I felt so strong. But I sense that my race self will be pushing for that faster time, pushing to test the limits, pushing pushing pushing. It could be painful. I am the sort of high achiever who is never satisfied with the best that I've got--instead, as I steadily improve, I see potential for better and better. This can be very discouraging. It occurred to me on yesterday's run--which was hard--that I am running further and faster than I have ever in my life run ... but I feel wimpy and weak because I'm measuring myself on a different scale--not comparing myself to a past self, or recognizing my own improvement. Instead, I'm projecting into the future, measuring myself against what I believe I should be able to accomplish. How can I complete a triathlon, if this is the best that I've got?

Is this mental outlook helpful, or does it harm my progress? It's gotten me this far, and I am not a quitter, so I may simply have to accept that I am motivated by the idea that I could always achieve more. I may never be completely satisfied with what I've done, but I also appreciate it. I just don't want to stop and rest. Life is so very very short. Every day, every hour, it feels so valuable, so worthy of recognition and appreciation--and of use. This time is what I have.