My dreams last night were unpleasant--not quite bad enough to qualify as nightmares, but definitely not dreams I would seek out again. And they all involved the triathlon project. In my dreams, I was either talking about attempting a triathlon, or preparing to attempt a triathlon, and everyone was doubting my ability to complete it, including me. Not exactly subtle. I don't think I'll need an intepreter to figure out the message of self-doubt. But it was slightly worse than that. I think in the dream I also didn't want to attempt a triathlon, but was going to try anyway.
I continue to wonder whether I've set the bar too high for myself, as I squeeze time to fit in extra runs and yoga classes. Rather than feeling happy with what I'm doing, I feel as if I'm perpetually falling short. That seems essentially self-defeating, if the point is to ... well, what is the point of this project, anyway? At times, I've begun to believe that it's part of my spiritual journey, that by living in my body in such a physically expressive way is one way to express gratitude for the very existence of this body, in this moment in time. I am saying, thank you for letting me do this, right now. Thank you for this moment in time.
Which is why it seems so especially wrong to hear myself saying, not enough, not good enough.
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