Day 49: Still Here

Did that last post sound like I was giving up? I'm not. I'm just trying to think differently about how to accomplish the goal, little by little, rather than all in one gulp. It's the long haul that interests me, not the short burst of activity; that's my philosophy for most things in life, though there are moments when the burst is worth a lot, too. The moment of inspiration.

I ran on Saturday, all in a hurry and speeding up and looking at my watch (first time wearing a watch), because I was due home to take my daughter to a lesson at a very specific time--and I wanted a shower first. I made it. But I was annoyed with myself for running less than 10k (there wasn't time for more), and for running whatever it ended up being--somewhere between 8 and 9k--in just under 50 minutes. I felt like I should be faster. I didn't give myself a mental break for not having eaten breakfast, or for being exhausted after a long week, or anything. "You're not impressed by my attitude, are you," I said to my husband, after moaning about how I'd fallen short of my morning's goal, and he said, "Go easy on yourself," or something to that effect. Appreciate what you're doing, don't judge yourself so critically.

Something to work on--because I know my self-judgement can spill over into judging others too, and I very much do not want to be that kind of person. I aim to be someone open to differences, generous, and respectful of all effort regardless of results.

Sunday was a day of rest. Yesterday, I went to a 60 minute yoga class, and cleared my mind. Today, I ran 8k with a friend in the very very very dark of pre-dawn that is now 6 o'clock in the morning. We were surprised by a brief but soaking rain storm that hit about halfway through; surprised and refreshed. It's a beautiful day, warmer than it seemed it would be. It is so easy to run while talking. I didn't think about feeling tired or achy. I am both. I am taking a break till tomorrow evening when I plan to go to a 90 minute yoga class. I haven't given up on swim lessons yet, either. I would still like to go, to squeeze it in. At the very least, I will go to the first lesson and see how disruptive it is to my writing day.